It still seems a little weird for me to say “my IVF” journey. This really wasn’t in my starting a family plan I created. My plan was straight forward and simple; retire from track and field (which while we’re on the topic didn’t go according to my plan either), get pregnant within a few months, twins would be nice, coach, have more kid(s) and go on happily ever after. Well, here I am 2+ years since retiring and no kids. Most days that sentence is no big deal it’s just a matter of fact. Sometimes though, it brings about a sadness that roughly 1 in 5 Canadian women 35+ experience. IVF is an interesting journey. We definitely didn’t WANT to do IVF, we wanted to conceive the easy way, the cheap way, and not through appointment after appointment, injection after injection and medications that aren’t always easy on the body. Although we didn’t want to do IVF, I’m sure glad it was an option for us.
I want to note that this has been my experience with IVF so far. I understand that a lot of how I have been able to process this journey is based on some of the privileges I have and not everyone will share my experiences. I also know without a doubt that my faith has greatly impacted how my husband and I have been able to journey through this. I share this from my perspective, however, I think there is a huge gap in the discussion around how IVF impacts the spouse/partner, because it does. Maybe something my husband would be willing to share in the future.
I think there are a lot of expectations ‘society’ puts on women when it comes to motherhood. How you become a mum, when you become a mum and how you mother can all be weighed down by someone else’s expectations of you. Mixed in with their expectations are your own, I know my own expectations of trying to conceive were shattered a long time ago. My husband always says the gap between expectation and reality is frustration.
Once we decided to go the IVF route it became very clear to Wes and I that letting go of our expectations and, embracing our pace, if you will, was going to lead to a more enjoyable process. Even the decision to commit to IVF was us deciding to embrace our own journey to parenthood. I think that first step is often the hardest, admitting that yes, in fact, we do need help, something isn’t right, and we can’t do this on our own.
“Once we decided to go the IVF route it became very clear to Wes and I that letting go of our expectations and, embracing our pace, if you will, was going to lead to a more enjoyable process. Even the decision to commit to IVF was us deciding to embrace our own journey to parenthood”.
After that it was all smooth sailing. Just kidding it was not smooth sailing, there were bumpy seas ahead, but at least we were in the boat and moving forward. I have learned over and over that life is not just smooth sailing and that is ok, I can do hard things! Not to overdo this analogy but I have also learned that I can still have a lot of fun in the boat while navigating rough seas. I can be both disappointed and excited, I can be filled with joy while holding sadness.
Infertility is quite common 1 in 5 women over 35 experience infertility and yet it’s still not really talked about. Many issues with pregnancy and female reproduction aren’t talked about. I’m speaking from a female perspective but having navigated through this I think male infertility and reproductive issues are talked about even less! This needs to change. Thankfully I knew one person that had recently gone through IVF, being able to collectively share our experiences and laugh at some of the funny things and commiserate about the not so funny things hugely impacted my experience in a positive way.
I get why some people might not want to share their infertility journey; everyone has their own level of comfort with how open they are about personal issues. I’m definitely not saying everyone has to blast their personal lives all over the internet for everyone to read. We started our journey in February 2023 and am just now in a spot that I feel comfortable sharing and sharing more publicly. It can be a confusing process, sad, exciting at times and physically, mentally and emotionally tiring. This would be hard to navigate while also sharing publicly, although some do. We did choose, however, to be fairly open with friends and family. We received so much support and encouragement that I cannot imagine going through this process without these people knowing. That’s the blessing of going through hard times, you really do get to be the recipient of a lot of love. That’s why I feel it is important for me to share my experiences, if someone out there doesn’t have that one person they can laugh and commiserate with, let that one person be me.
A few practical things my husband and I did to help make the process a little more enjoyable was, like I said above, we shared to our level of comfort with the people around us. We went for a giant cinnamon bun after our first appointment and continued to get a little ‘treat’ after certain appointments. We went for a walk every evening after my injections, this was WAY easier and A LOT more enjoyable with-it being June and not January. We let go of our expectations. We asked for help when needed. We held very loosely our plans for the summer, you are at the mercy of your body and the clinics schedule. We would show up for an appointment and things wouldn’t be progressing like they thought so we would need to go back in two days or the next day. They might cancel that cycle all together and you’re back starting over in a week, everything was unpredictable.
IVF isn’t all bad either, the creation of life is nothing short of a miracle and now, we get a front row seat. It is simply mind boggling how the process works. Did you know there is an actual flash of light when an egg is fertilized?!? They use the world’s smallest medical needle to fertilize the egg. They also use the world’s largest medical needle to retrieve the eggs, glad I know that one now and not before the procedure ☺.
There is a verse in the bible that I think whether you are religious or not has a lot to offer. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4” I wouldn’t say I’m at the ‘considering it pure joy’ stage but I do think I am a better person for the trials I have gone through, including IVF. I know that through some of the other trials and hardships I’ve faced (failed Olympic dreams, untimely injuries, mental health struggles of family members) learning to face them head on and embracing my own journey made me more complete and mature. They gave me the tools to help me navigate through IVF and I’m sure the lessons I’ve learned and learn from this journey will again refine me further and allow me to face future hardships better equipped.
Author: Christie Moerman
